YOU'VE BEEN CHEESED!

I lied.
I'm not a professional aspiring basketballer, or a stair repairwoman, or anyone else I may have led you to believe I am.

Hi, I'm Zach,

And I'm kind of the big cheese around here.

I'm glad you took the time to look up my website. Unfortunately, I am a man of absolutely no qualifications, so if you're needing help philosophizing or solving the Great Mouse Mystery, I can't help you. If you need help knowing the difference between entropy and enthalpy, though, I'm your guy.I understand that it may take you some time to make peace with the fact that you just got absolutely CHEESED, so if you need some space to process, feel free to figure that out yourself. In the meantime, I'll just be saving the American Revolution by launching a surprise attack on Hessian forces at Trenton, securing a desperately needed victory after months of devastating defeats.

Pictured: Me, saving the American Revolution by launching a surprise attack on Hessian forces at Trenton, securing a desperately needed victory after months of devastating defeats

You may also be interested to know that

I HAD EVERY PART IN MAKING THIS WEBSITE

(and the business cards, for that matter.)

So, if I have embarrassed myself, please know that it was all my own doing and completely not AT ALL the fault of my super awesome friend, Rylan, who would NEVER do ANYTHING to make me look a fool.

Pictured: Rylan (right) and me (wrong)

oh, whoops, I mean

Rylan (right) and me (left)

Pictured: Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy

Now, while I may have JUST NOW fooled you completely, and this may well be the first time I'm meeting you, I can guarantee you that I know exactly what's going through your head right now:

"Man, that guy is just so totally familiar!"

heh. right you are.

Ever heard of the Marvel movies? Ever heard of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Ever heard of the Madagascar, or perhaps Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa?
Ever heard of the cow who jumped over the moon?

yeah. that's me.

Now, you're probably wondering, "Zach, how did you get to be so big in Hollywood and children's nursery rhymes?"

Three words.

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors LAST NIGHT (which, as you can imagine, is pretty serious.) Right before he lost consciousness, Ferris told me, "Zach, don't listen to BLANK. Chase your dreams. BLANK BLANKANKLA AKNAKNANAK NAKA". Of course, what I didn't know was that Ferris knew that BLANK didn't know that my little legs aren't powered by any old cow's milk like the average fellow you might find at the BLANK. No—heh—no, no. (¬‿͡¬)You see, I drink choccy milk and choccy milk only. That's my big secret. And after years of shaking my poor fist at the sky, dreaming of making it to the big leagues, whispering to myself, "One day, Zachary, one day you will BLANK," I finally noticed that my incredible, almost superhuman athletic ability began to extend to my weak little legs. Eventually, some producers found me and said, "We don't know what you're doing, we don't know why you're doing it, but we're big fans of your performance as the original voice of Mort." From there, the rest was history.I became a universal symbol of hope for cheese and BLANK everywhere. Was it easy? No. BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK? Also no. But greatness requires sacrifice, and sometimes that sacrifice means losing your ability to drive just because you grew your quads so drastically that you can't press down on the gas pedal without destroying the car. It's a bit like BLANK, really. BLANK.Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms, in my opinion, are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon,
"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."Good point there. After all, he was the walrus.I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.

In other words,
years of practice.

I also happen to be BLNAKNALBALNALKSNLKA blah blagh balh yappity yap yap

Pictured: Rylan and I, again

for serious business-related inquiries, please do reach out to [email protected]

• Click Here to Send an Email

Try inquiring about such things as:

• professional jumping lessons, and whether my technique can be taught to ordinary civilians
• tickets for my motivational tour, with celebrity guest BLANK
• booking requests for weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, graduation ceremonies, etc.
• sponsorship opportunities
• general inquiries about how one becomes a legendary figure with little to no obvious qualifications
• counseling about why this website exists and what decisions led you here

Thanks for blah blah blah abl,hahahana!

If you enjoyed this website,
it's just going to ask you a few questions on the screen

something something

That's all, folks.

stay cheesy.